Battle for life
After reaching the age of 25, I have lost the desire of getting married. But at the age of 28, Heaven opened it’s gate for me to settle down after having this on and off parents-approved relationship for 7 years. We quickly moved on with starting a family, being aware that our age were quite ripe for raising kids, let alone to secure their future in a matter of financial benefits.
I was still working when I got pregnant and started to experience some allergies, and at the same time I was given extra responsibilities. Some extra job scope we call it at work. And also I have to travel about 90km back and forth to work, with 12 working hours, for 5 days in a week. Plus I had to arrive home at an expected hour or else I would have to hear the nagging of my other half. All of a sudden I became so tied up with such commitment. Still I carried on with life eventhough it felt cruel.
It so happened that I went to the ladies’ room after having my lunch break before heading back to my cubicle. “Oh, no!”, there’s a blood stain in my underpants so i quickly head to the in-house clinic, and was referred to Selangor Medical Center. I drove there myself. In the consultation room the doctor scanned my abdomen and there is the baby, but without heartbeat. She told me it could be a misabortion and I may need a DNC. And to give me some comfort she asked me to come back in a week time since it was a very early pregnancy stage, and so I left the hospital with a never before felt emotion, and drove back to my office. I told my superior about what happened and in front of him I could not contain my tears. I broke down in front of him. I did not meant to. I went home and told my husband what happened and he began to be so emotional and said “What have you done? I really wanted a child so badly!”. It breaks the nerve out of me, as when I get the blame.
The next day I went to work but I became so emotionally unstable, so my superior asked me to go home. At home, I was feeling uneasy and my tummy began aching. This time my husband took me to Hospital Kuala Lumpur (HKL). So I was examined and being scanned externally and internally. I was bleeding but again I was asked to come back in a week due to the same reason. At bedtime, I was feeling so uneasy.
The next day I felt this terrible pain in my tummy. The pain was getting worse as the hours passed by. At some point I could not lie down, sit back, stand up..nor anything. I could feel my life was going to end at any moment, some more I was home alone. Later in the afternoon my husband came back from work, and I could only greet him with this bitter, painful cry. He took me to HKL. It was a peak hour. The 10 minutes drive from our home to HKL became 3 hours due to traffic congestion. In the car I struggled to fight the pain. I was neverending rolling in the front seat of our car and at times I was gasping for breath. I was battling with life and death. That’s how much of the pain.
At the hospital I could not carry myself anymore. I was almost going to faint. I could hardly hear my husband’s voice who fetched a wheelchair, in which I laid back across because I could not seat myself. It was an emergency state and they hurriedly fetched the doctor. Inside the treatment room the doctor examined me with a nurse. A speculum was inserted to see the condition inside. They found out that the baby is at total miscarriage and that it got stucked at the opening. It is intoxicating my body! That is the reason for all the pain. So I was asked to cough and after a few attempts the whole thing came out bursting from the opening. We spent the whole evening at the treatment room because they wanted to monitor my condition. I took the chance to text message some friends for their prayers.
After being satisfied with my condition I was released from the hospital later that night. Before we go back I was given a few advices on post natal care and family planning. Last but not least they gave me two small jars; one contains a small placenta and the other my foetus. It’s the size of a baby mice but already fully formed. It was so heartwrenching and heartbreaking looking at the tiny God’s creation. Alas, we survived the night. Now it gives me a live experience of how it’s like to give birth as I used to be so scared of having baby due to being traumatized by my cousins and sisters-in-law’s sharing about giving birth to a child. I won’t be scared anymore! I will brave it.
So then, the beginning of a new life starts with a battle. Wether it survives or not when it is formed is trully out of our hands and beyond our control. There has to be a divine intervention to make it happen so start rectifying what to hold on to. For a woman, it should not be considered as a curse but rather as a glorious gift from the throne of the Holy Father, and it is what makes a woman perfect and whole. I am some kind of masculine, thus this distinct gift gave me that very unique detail of what I am most special about - to give birth to a new life - even if I myself have to fight for life. And if I have to die, I would rather die fighting this battle with the strength of the Lord than to hopelessly give up.
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